note
alright. time for some honest to god journalling on an htg keyboard when it's htg cold outside and i'm htg alone. wooooo.
so how do i do things. no, let's not do that right away.
a recap, since i feel like explaining and clarifying and expunging. so back when i first wrote brainmelt, i was exploding on most every front. nothing new really but, tried some school and it blew up in my face (music history, astronomy shits). fell into same bad routines with practicing. another bad front, which has who-knows-how much effect on the rest of it, was the prolonged ending/continuation/existance of me in a relationship. yes, it happened again. i brainmelt blew up and tried to make a scalpel cut to keep myself safe. it didn't work as well this time because dani lives in ashland. when it was debbie in arcata and things started getting serious and i melted (also on top of tons of school and life pressure) my incision was fairly clean. for the surgeon, i should say. Sure i got a kick in the ass when i went down to drop off some stuff, but it was a friendly kick in the ass.
ok, since i have no idea how much of the debbie story ever made it online here's a brief summary: my first relationship, met at co-band party between SOU and HSU, kept in touch, dated/committed for almost 2 years, then my school world hit an alltime high-pressure point, in jazz band symph band perc ensemble chamber choir, starting music history sequence and choir librarian and working in the music office and bangbangbang my head explodes, call up debbie and cut things off. i remember only once crying about this all, though maybe it was just the only memorable time. downstairs in the little organ room, with Kristen, trying to figure out life, getting changed and ready to go on stage to sing the Fauré 'Requiem' with SORS, chamber choir, and RVSO. was talking and relatively functional, then just broke for a bit. kristen, i doubt you still read livejournals and i bet i'll post something on facebook at you, but you've been a good friend in the past and it's sad that things went separate directions for us. that should change somehow if it can.
so, cried. the so-called 'punchline' to the story is that debbie was already planning on xferring to SOU to be with me, which i didn't know about and had i did...well. i was about to type i wouldn't have broken things off. and really, i don't think i would have. not then especially. but who knows? maybe i would have had a similar meltdown at somepoint and done the same thing, case in point, dani.
well shit. now i don't know what to think or say. caaauuuseee...i don't know. this is where i'm stuck. in both cases, things worked really really well in a lot of areas. connected with humor, with communication (most of the time ;p...exhibit a, chris matthews lol.) and in both cases, there were things that just didn't work for me. but the point i'm stuck at....what level of imperfection is okay? that goes for myself, my relationships, my life. a constant struggle to be striving for the best but to be okay with less than perfect. dammit zodiac. why the hell do i have to be a goat climbing a mountain.
well anyway. since i love talking in recursive thoughts, i'll back out a layer and describe the end of the most recent school year. i think i attempted classes through the end of the academic calendar, and paid an insurance premium for summer coverage. because at the very end of the spring term, i was at about the meltiest point i've been in a long time. it got to the point where i was having panic and anxiety nonstop through days. i barely made it through the symphonic band concert, and missed some rehearsals right before hand. i told terry i couldn't do any more and made whatever connections i did and started seeing psychologist/psychiatrist/pharmaceutical
ologist peoples. trying to get some relief from constant stressing and my pretty self destructive behaviour. uuugggh. thinking about it isn't great. because fuckitall, i'm not done with it yet. they're still trying drugs to figure out what will work best, i've tried a total of 4 drugs over 6 months now. since there is a period of adjustment, of ramping up the dose, maintaining a dose, and ramping down if there are no noticeable benefits. one pill made me get up at 5 and have to do, go, be awake, and not get to sleep ever. which was cool. . . Naaht! (pretend that was borat telling a 'not' joke, it'll be funnier.) anyway in all seriousness it fucking sucks. i don't know what moods and feelings and thoughts are a result of changing and tweaking meds, what ones can be considered the 'right' thoughts with good progress and reliable actions. and what is just my usual swinging pendulum of functional vs nonfunctional.
i'm really jumping all over the map here, bear with me. now i'm jumping off to present times, having to miss a couple family events because my brain couldn't handle them. seeing certain interactions and painful situations, even if in reality they're pretty benign, was too much for me to think about. was questioned to the nth degree at one of them by my great-uncle's (now ex)partner, gail. i'm sure there was no mal intent, but they were questions i couldn't feel comfortable talking about or thinking about and being expected to give certain right answers and show progress...meh whatever i'm cutting this part off.
so shit. all summer was spent finishing up living in the house on faith st. it was a nice house but with all my mental problems and relationship problems with dani AND with interacting with people in general, it kept me holed up in my room and i really didn't feel safe being out and about in the house. and biking started to become an issue for some reason. and now exercising at all, i've developed a mild phobia/anxiety about. expectations and being in much less good shape than i have been, combined with a pill that caused some over eating, i've gained a bit of the weight i worked hard to get rid of. it isn't all back on- at my worst i was at 250 (bleeeegh god that was awful), and i managed to get down to 175 (do the math, sheesh) but now i'm back up to 210. UGH.
so what i need now, to address this all, is some sort of system and schedule that i can keep. but like i said earlier, there's a pretty gnarly anxiety keeping me from using the workout equipment upstairs- several problems, like i said. don't want to make noise and disturb people, don't want to do it wrong, don't feel like i'm as good at it as i should be, etc. bleeegh.
i wonder how much i've typed so far. sheesh. over 1100 words, eh. too bad i can't write this much about paganini, in the amount of time it's taken me. i really think i'm done for now. i wonder if i can get this onto the internet easily...success! Posting from lj app after syncing iPhone notes with outlook laptop after copypasta from notepad there. Technology is great sometimes.
by the waaaay... merry christmas everyone, here's a big ol pile of chrisbabble. lmao.
-c
Posted via Journaler.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lizzy_forrest's Friends Page
loved